Suddenly I felt like going to church.. But somehow or rather I doubt the sudden "burst of faith" at this point, as I have not been attending for about a year now & SUDDENLY, I want to go..
I guess I'm just lost and I need guidance..
In times of crisis, I find the issue of "God" somehow becomes very relevant. I thought I could be a somebody, meant to do great things, write my own destiny.. but turns out I failed. I'm just a nobody. I have failed and it's hard to swallow. Especially to find out that something you are so passionate about, just crumble right in front of you. Stripped and thrown out to face the cold truth: "it's just not meant for you.."
Boss wants to take me off Sunday night news (apparently my newreading sucks, and there were some complaints). Therefore I'm slotted in for the Sunday morning news. So what wrong with Sunday morning? Well, there's church! And the fact that I have problem waking up in the wee hours of morning (but that's not an excuse I know).
The thing is.. my MAIN purpose IS to read news! So if I'm slotted in the Sunday morning news (where they already have their respective anchors to read the news), well bingo! Mission failed. Therefore working on Sunday morning defeats ALL my purposes. It'll be just for the sake of money which I find pointless! Personally, I need to be driven by PASSION. Imagine being so miserable on Sunday mornings (the whole day would be wrecked anyway) just for 120 bucks! Is it really worth it?? Yes, it also cuts down my precious weekend at home, as the travelling up and down is crazy, thus interrupting my quality time home.
At the end of the day it really boils down to VALUE VERSUS WORTH (taken from Confessions Of A Shoppaholic - haha). Time for some serious re-evaluation: "what makes ME happy?" Money? Already my pay is PEANUTS! Minus 500 is close to not earning enough to cover my expenses. Not good either.
Well do you think I'm mad to forgo the offer and put my faith to test??
My heart says: go church. My head says: no money.
My heart says: but I don't like to do Sunday mornings, in fact, I HATE IT.. My head says: do whatever it takes to get the job done!
But my heart says: NO PASSION, my head says: BUT IT'S MONEY!!!
Depressed, oppressed, suppressed, unable to express!
Bottomline is.. everything else doesn't matter anymore if I don't get to read news. I don't know if I have stressed enough that: if I don't get to read news, I'll be so miserable thinking I'm a step backward and NOT forward. In fact, I DON'T want to be reminded of THAT by taking the job on Sunday mornings! I DON'T want to be reminded of my defeat. Future seems bleak now. My dream of being a newsreader is farther and farther away... It breaks my heart. Really.
But deep down inside, I think I already know the answer. Time to listen to the whispers of my heart. It may be filled with uncertainties that's for sure, but I know my heart will be at peace. This is the part where I put my faith to test.
Let go. Let God.
2 comments:
hey there. i didnt think u were the type to wake up so early, or is the blogspot posting time a bit off? anyway, imho, (tho im not asked =D ) is that sometimes people dont excel right away at stuff they want to do. whatever your other choices, to stick to this passion or explore another, im glad u chose God. that, for sure, is right.=) i dont know u well, but from what i've heard, i really look up to the way u are daring enough to try things. the nike spirit. =) yr experience has blessed others other than yrself, would just like to remind u that. and whatever that's coming, there's God's assurance that the sun will shine every morning. Shine on!
haha. i just realized my time zone was not set according to Malaysian time. anyway fixed it already. thanks for pointing it out!
oh guess what?? i did went to church and it felt good. it felt "right"... not easy though to adapt to the changes. but i'm trying to move on.. let go so i can do other things. yeah like you said explore other things which i may like..
everyday brings a new experience. i hope i can move forward and look ahead to what God has to offer for me. i've decided to take the step of faith. (altho i'll be so darn broke!) sure hope i can tell you the the good outcome of it. hopefully...
*fingers crossed*
Post a Comment