Sad Frustrated Dissapointed

I'm writting this feeling sad. Very sad. Before this I felt frustrated and dissapointed. I think everyone worth to have feelings, be it happy or sad. So here I am venting my frustration and dissapointment, and of course sadness. As naive as people may think I have rights to my own feeling. And right now I feel like kicking somebody. Apart from feeling great from going out for more assignments the whole of this week (covering economic,general,crime,court and sports stories), today it broke my heart to see my name of the charts where I saw my name listed as Radio Broadcast Journalist (RBJ). It's not that I'm not being ungrateful, just that deep down inside me... I want to read the English news soooooooooooo badly. Mr.R once told me he's not ready to "use" me yet.. So he rather hire a part-time news reader to do the job rather to let me do it. Kononnya he has a "reputation" to jaga. So I asked "why then do you hire us, if you do not wish to use us???" He said it was the management who hires, not him. I know I need more training. Yes it's true. But for how long??? I do not have the patience to wait for 1 or 2 more years. I want it.. and I want it NOW. Not helping is that if I'm a RBJ, most probably I have to do it in BM, and with that I'm going to suffer. Not that I cannot speak BM, but my prefferred language is English, in fact I'm better at English because most of the time I think in English, I speak in English and I write also in English!!! So to ask me to BJ in BM, it's like ripping off one of my legs and asking me to walk. I will become dissabled (no puns intended). I do not function that well in BM, in the sense of fluency and generating ideas, I'm better at it in English! Can an expert like Mr.R not see it??? This feels shitty. He knows I want it. But he's not giving me a chance. Yes I need traning. But has it really started? It's not even intensive training at all, like how it's suppossed and ought to be. And he expects me to be good??? I told him I do want to be good, in fact improve. But everytime I read the news I get corrected, which is good, just the amount of correction is just shocking! And that is the English that I learned in school. Esspecially how some English words are properly pronounced,i.e.: the is pronounce "thuh" (refer previous blog). Yeah go ahead, try it. People might smack you for spitting at their faces. Most people when I told them, they do not believe, in fact they couldn't care less. That's the Malaysian English that we have grown up using. Man, that's the English I have been using all my life! Manglish. Am still very proud of it though. Sigh. I'm really torned. Korea is still waiting for me. I need to know if this new line is for me, since I have made a 180 degrees turn in my start of career. It really breaks my heart because they are both my passion. One is saving the environment (job offer in Korea: deals with the Korean ocean research) another is pursuing my dreams in broadcasting (more specifically newsreading). If I'm not good, tell me so I can move on and find other things that I may be good at, but don't discard me. I may not have the package, fine. At least spare me. I have feelings too... You said I have the voice, fine. Use me and train me properly then. You said you have trained many people who some even spoke like a "penyu" and now has become famous newreaders, for surely you can train me up to be good then. So prove it. Do not give me false hopes. And please be professional.